Monday, February 07, 2011

Questioning the Answer

Today I saw God starting to answer a prayer. A big one, for a situation that I've been going to Him with daily. It's so huge that I've asked friends to pray, added it to prayer loops, and bring it up weekly at church. I've known for a long time that it would take a miracle to turn this problem around, most likely a series of miracles. Yesterday I saw the first signs that God was working. This morning I saw more evidence. And this evening, as I shared this breakthrough with a friend, I admitted the honest response of my heart: I'm not sure I believe it.

What is my problem? Why I do restrain myself whenever I start to praise God and share the praise with others? The truth? I'm afraid that it might be too good to be true. I'm afraid of being disappointed again. I'm afraid to believe that God would do the seemingly impossible, only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Not that I think He would do something wonderful only to take it back. But what if I'm only imagining that things are turning around? What if it's only a step in a different, even worse direction? What if what I saw as an answer is only wishful thinking? So that is where my mind has been going ever since I saw my prayer in the beginning stages of being answered. I'm praising but doubtful; grateful but suspicious; joyful but afraid to get my hopes up. And I feel terrible about it. God answered a prayer, and I'm afraid to celebrate.

So tonight I am praying that God will change my heart--to help me trust Him to love me enough to actually answer a prayer that I thought I'd have to wait a lot longer for. I'm also asking Him to help me remember that since this situation will require a process, the changes I've seen already are miracles in themselves. Who am I to say that He isn't willing to do something great for me?

Am I alone here? Am I the only one who has gotten what she wanted and immediately assumed that God would cancel the deal?

God, silence the voices that tell me your gifts are too good to be true. Help me to trust, not only your ability to do the impossible for me, but your desire to do it.