Getting Used to Disappointment

Last week, I wrote about allowing my son to have adventures. The day that I posted, he was getting ready for a trip to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with the junior high group, which he is brand new to. He was so excited! As nervous as I was about the possibility of him getting lost, ending up on a much-scarier-than-expected ride, or not having a friend to hang out with, I was proud of him for wanting to go even though he didn't know anyone. He couldn't wait to ride his first big roller coaster and I couldn't wait to hear about how much fun he had. I had a feeling that this week's post would include a story about his day; I just didn't expect that story to be about learning to handle disappointment.

I should have known that something was wrong when we pulled into the parking lot and didn't see a group of kids and parents. We assumed they were in the room where junior high group meets, but when we walked in, we only found two girls waiting. Their mom walked in a few minutes after we did, looking confused.

"Where is everyone?" She pulled out her phone to call one of the other moms.

Ten minutes and three phone calls later, we found out that the trip had been canceled. Apparently it had been announced the night before at a meeting that Nate hadn't started attending yet and the other family missed, and on a parent e-mail that I had signed up for but never started receiving for some reason. We walked back to the car in shock.

I probably don't need to say that Nathan was deeply disappointed. He didn't burst into tears and have a fit over it, but the dejection was written all over his sweet face. He had been looking forward to the trip all week. I was devastated for him. But in all the sadness, I marveled over how maturely Nathan handled the let down. He moped around for a while, (Who wouldn't? My parents and wanted to mope, too.) told me repeatedly how sad he was, and declared Thursday a bad day, but he refused to get mad at those in charge, to the point of standing up for them when we expressed frustration. When his cousins came over to cheer him up, he had a good time with them.

Later in the day, a thought hit me, and I couldn't decide whether to feel good or sad about it: Nathan's reaction reminded me that he is a kid who has learned to handle disappointment because he has experienced a lot of it recently. Without spilling all the details, he has endured more loss, unwanted change, sadness, and disappointment than an 11-year-old should know about. He knows from experience that the most exciting plans can fall through at the last minute, that life doesn't always go our way, and that people let us down. As much as I wanted to weep over the knowledge that he learned so much of this by seeing it first-hand, it reminded me of the growth that comes from living through devastating days that we thought would end our world but didn't. At the same time, I prayed that he hadn't grown too used to disappointment, so much so that he would start to expect it.

I don't want him to think like I do sometimes, going around with a I'm really excited, so when is the whole thing going to fall apart? outlook on life.

Since his more-mature-than-some-adults response, I have been praying that God will reward it with a better-than-he-could-imagine surprise or experience--something to remind him that while life does include disappointments, it is also full of wonderful things.  

How well do you handle disappointment? How has experience shaped how you respond to it, or what you expect out of life?    

Ready for New Adventures

This is my son Nathan at age three. (All together now: "Awww!")

A friend was directing a production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and asked if Nate could be an extra and sing in the angel choir. I could have turned her down. He was so young! In fact, he was the littlest member of the cast. What if he got stage fright at the last minute? What if he missed his cue to go out on stage? What if he halo fell off? But I didn't want him to miss out on this chance at stardom, and he answered with an enthusiastic, "Yeah!" when I asked if he wanted to be in Miss Kim's play, so I let him do it. I'm so glad I did. He had a wonderful time and did a great job. And at the risk of sounding like a gushing mom, he looked SO CUTE!!!

This is Nathan at age eleven. He has grown quite a bit as you can see, and he is about to step out into some new adventures.

Tomorrow, he is going to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, not with me, not with his grandparents or cousins, but with the junior high group from church. I was tempted to say no when he told me about the activity. He just joined the junior high group, and we barely know the leaders and kids. Once again, the mommy in me was saying, "He is so young!" As a soon-to-be sixth-grader, he could possibly be the youngest kid in the group. What if he gets talked into going on a ride that terrifies him? What if he gets separated from his group? What if he is the only one without a friend? But just like with the play, I don't want him to miss out and he REALLY wants to go, so I'm setting my anxieties aside and encouraging him to have a great time.

I consider it a practice run for mid-August when he goes to camp with a friend from Reno for a week. As excited as I am for him, my mommy fears have been revving up lately. What if he gets homesick? What if he gets sick or hurt? What if something upsetting happens? Once again, I know I need to focus on all that is exciting and wonderful, keep my worries to myself, and send him off knowing he needs to do things like go away to camp for a week without mom hovering. (For those of you who are saying to yourself, "Wait, he is eleven and just now going to the boardwalk with a group that doesn't include you? And is this really his first trip to sleep-over camp? What kind of helicoptor parent are you? Let's just say that after several crazy years, we are catching up on some experiences.)

All of this is reminding me that being a good mom includes letting my sons do things even when I'm not sure if I am . . . I mean they are ready, even if letting them do it means battling a lot of what-ifs. Each adventure provides more practice in trusting God to take care of them when I'm not looking. Each, "Sure, that sounds like fun" gives them a little more confidence. And even if one of my fears does come true, those will hopefully become opportunities to learn and grow.

So, have fun, Nate the Great! I am so thankful that you are the kind of boy who wants to put yourself out there and try things--the kind of boy who isn't afraid of a little adventure.