Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Letting Go . . . Finally

It’s amazing what can happen when we get rid of all that is gunking up the heart and mind. Last time I blogged it was all I could do to find some good in having nothing to blog about. Last week I couldn’t even do that. I had too much in my head, too many emotions stirring, too much uncertainty looming. On top of that, I seemed to be handling things and people all wrong. It was one of those times when the fear of having no control over what happened next had me clutching tightly to what little I could control. At least I thought I could control it. In the end I only managed to drive everyone around me, including myself, crazy. No wonder I couldn’t write anything more than assignments! Even those I seemed to be writing on autopilot and half as well.

So on Thursday I called a friend and we met to talk. I poured out my pitiful heart. I cried, we prayed, I vented and cried some more. Finally this precious friend helped me see my need to let the two things that were burdening me most go—to hand them over for God to handle. As painful and hard as I was, I did it. Finally. I went home drained but free. For the first time in weeks I could write without it feeling forced. Later I called to thank her and share how much better I felt. She pointed out the power of getting rid of the gunk—that it makes room for the Holy Spirit to get in and work. And she was right.

This week, not only could I write assigned work well but I worked on a fiction project for the first time since the beginning of summer. I chose to kick start my creativity with something new and fresh and ended the day with what I think is a new novel.

All of this showed me how often I stifle God’s work through my refusal to let go. I’ve never considered myself a control freak; people tend to see me as a gentle, go-with-the-flow type of person. But when life gets scary, uncertain, or painful I guess I do crave control. I fret, plot trouble in advance, load myself with guilt, and take on more responsibility than I can carry because doing that feels safer than leaving the future and those I love in God’s hands. I’m so thankful for the abrupt change that came after I let go of last week’s burden. I freed me to do it more!

Thank you, God, for being there even in the mucky, ugly chaos. Thank You for patiently waiting to free me from what only You can handle, and for working so beautifully when I am willing to let go.



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